Last week in our Napoleon saga, I had gone on our weekend trip solo. He had spent much of my time there texting me letting me know he felt as though he’d made the wrong choice and should have joined me. At the time, I had no idea that he wasn’t miserable at home…but we’ll get there.
When I returned from my weekend getaway, he made pretty immediate plans to see me. It seemed as though Napoleon really did miss me. We went out for – you guessed it – sushi. We shared some rolls and an appetizer and, of course, drank a crap-ton of hot sake. I told him all about my trip, all the walking tours I did, all the hiking. I showed him pictures of the cool stuff I saw and the amazing food I ate.
After dinner we decided it would be a good night for a movie and cuddling on the couch. We didn’t get very far in the movie before we were making out like teenagers. At this point, it had become habit for this to happen and then we’d go back to watching whatever movie or Netflix show we were watching. This time though, he suggested we relocate to my bed. I had mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, we hadn’t even gotten to 2nd base (yes, I did just use baseball as a euphemism because I’m a child,) and I had realized on my trip that I didn’t really miss him the way I had expected to while out of town. On the other hand, I was ready for shit to go down. I wanted to solidify whatever it was we were doing.
So we get in to the bedroom and into the bed. We were making out, per usual. I think an item or two of clothing came off, but we were far from naked when he pushed me away decently hard. I don’t know if you’ve ever had someone push you away from them unexpectedly, but I was confused. Had I accidentally hit him or hurt him? Was he….um…done?
Me: It’s okay, but what are you sorry for?
Napoleon: I just don’t think this is the right time for this.
Napoleon: I haven’t been with anyone since my ex broke my heart and ruined me and now I’m a horrible person (ok, so he didn’t say any of that stuff after the word “ex.”)
Me: Oh. Okay. That’s fine. [No. It’s not.]
So I rolled over, put the one or two items of clothing back on and curled up on my side of the bed to go to sleep at about 8:45pm because I couldn’t think of anything I wanted to do less than be awake and talk about it.
Rejection always feels shitty. No matter what the reason.
The next morning, I went to work and reported the nights activities to my friend which helped give me some perspective. He had just told me, in pretty clear words, he wasn’t ready for this. “This” not being sex, but being in a relationship, in a datingship, being emotionally available. I’m very much like a dude. I can do the physical thing without any emotional attachment. But if I’m not doing that, it’s nice to be on the same emotional level as the person you’re spending almost all your time with.
Two days later when he came over for dessert and hanging out, I brought it up. I said something close to this: So, I know this is going to sound like a reaction to what happened – or didn’t happen – the other night, but it’s more than that. We’ve been hanging out for a few months and I just don’t feel like you’re in this like I am. I just don’t feel like you’re ready for all that I am ready to offer. And please don’t tell me I am right or wrong. And you don’t have to be ready. But I think you should really consider what you want out of this.
He started justifying to me how much he loves spending time with me and how he is happiest when he is with me and we are cuddling on the couch. He told me all about how I made him feel the most comfortable he had felt since his ex.
I cut him off. It’s not that I don’t care, but he wasn’t thinking about it; he was reacting to my suggestion to consider things. We finished out dessert and our talk, and he went home with an understanding that he’d really hear what I had to say, process it and we’d talk in a day or two.
The next morning I got a text:
“You’re sort of right…”
Come on back next Monday to find out what I was right about. Find out if he decided to make an effort to be in this thing with me. I promise there are twists and turns you either totally expect or don’t see coming at all, and I am very much looking forward to rehashing it all with you in the next couple weeks.