Remember those books? Choose Your Adventure? Every couple of pages, the bottom would say “If you want to (some random action) go to page 16. If you want to (other action) instead, go to page 23.” Well, we’re going to do that today, but with a blog post. And there aren’t pages, so those of you who don’t follow directions will probably just read the entire post. Which is fine. If that’s the adventure you choose. It’s entirely up to you! Almost all of this is based on my morning the other day. Some of it is made up based on what would have happened based on educated guesses from previous life experiences.
This morning the alarm clock began it’s little sing song of BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ at 5:40am. I got out of bed, turned on the light, and went to the bathroom to pee. Knowing that I wanted to go for a run this morning, I had laid out running clothes right by the bedroom door. After finishing in the bathroom, I put them on.
To make breakfast next, go to paragraph (1). or to feed Gizmo, go to paragraph (2).
(1) I went into the kitchen, clicked on one of two lights – it’s much too early for full brightness, people – and opened the refrigerator to grab the eggs, milk, and a bottle of water. I cracked the egg into a non-stick pan on low and let it cook for a couple of minutes while I chugged half the bottle of water. While the egg was cooking, I scooped Gizmo a cup of food and refilled his water bowl. When the egg was just about done, I flipped it and took it off the heat. To walk Gizmo next, go to Paragraph (Omega). To eat egg and watch TV next, go to Paragraph (A).
(2) Once Gizmo figured out I was not going to go back to bed after the bathroom, he got up and wiggled around, jumped up and down, and made a dash for his food bowl. I scooped him a serving of Natural Balance LID Venison and Sweet Potato formula, refilled his water bowl and headed into the kitchen to make breakfast of an egg and a glass of milk – I’m a huge eater, you guys. Once my egg was cooked, I took it off the burner and set it aside. To walk Gizmo next, go to Paragraph (Omega). To eat egg and make bed, go to Paragraph (B).
(A) I took a little plate of a single egg with Sriracha sauce on it (I’m obsessed with it,) my glass of milk and my bottle of water over to the couch and turned on some Brooklyn 99 from the DVR list. When I sat down, I noticed the candle I had lit the night before – and subsequently forgotten about – was still burning. Don’t ask me how it’s possible. It was 2/3 gone to begin with and it had been longer than 6 hours since I lit it… but miracles do happen, guys. Just look at Hanukkah… I then scarfed down my breakfast, put the dishes in the dishwasher, walked to the bedroom and remade the bed and found Gizmo laying the spot where the pillows go. I picked him up to move him, but he went back right as I was about to place a decorative sham. To walk Gizmo next, go to paragraph (Omega). To go for a run next, go to paragraph (5).
(B) I stood over the sink with my slightly cooked egg in my hand. I put a squiggle of Sriracha sauce on the egg and shoved it into my mouth in two bites, chugged my milk and then my water. I looked up at the clock to realize I need to head out for my run, ASAP. I rush into my room, throw the covers into a sort-of-made condition, throw all the pillows on top of the bed – because I’m weird and I hate leaving them on the floor all day – and ask Gizmo if he wants to go out before my run. To take Gizmo out before running, go to paragraph (Omega). To hope he doesn’t pee on the carpet or bed while I run and skip taking him out, go to paragraph (5).
(5) As I laced up my running shoes (editorial note, I never lace my shoes because I never un-lace them. I slide them on and off) and grabbed my running pack (a thin fanny-pack like item that holds my phone and my house key) I noticed what sounded like running water. I had clearly made the wrong call skipping taking Gizmo out. He ALWAYS has to go pee pee when he wakes up. I should have known better. Now I have a pee pee spot on the floor. At least Gizmo is smart as hell and peed on the tile and not the carpet. I quickly cleaned it up and then realized, I need to take Gizmo out before going for my run. Please go to Paragraph (Omega) to continue.
(Omega) I skip the leash. Mostly because Gizmo is just going outside to go pee pee and not for a walk. He listens. He won’t run away from me. So it’s about 6 in the morning, it’s hardly daylight yet, the lights in my building hallways are glowing happily. Gizmo bounds down the stairs in front of me eager and happy to be going to the bathroom outdoors. I’m not far behind when I see him stop his little gallop near what looked like a small bag. I immediately called for him and he looked up at me for half of a second before going back to sniffing the object. I kept walking toward him trying to get him to leave the thing alone when I realized what it was.
It wasn’t a small bag. It wasn’t a cluster of leaves (which often accumulates in our hallway.) It wasn’t a crumpled shirt (which I thought for a second.) What it was… was a rat. A Fucking. Dead. Rat. It was about a third the size of Gizmo and actually kind of adorable. But still. A FUCKING. DEAD. RAT.
After I took Giz for a walk and then went for my run, showered, and went to work, I called my resident services office and asked them to handle it.