…More Than Sweet Potatoes

How to Break Tinder (and hearts) in 48 Hours

Note: This post is picture heavy and has a strong amount of sexual references and colorful language.  You’ve been warned.


Have you guys heard about this new fad?  I believe it is called “online dating” or something like that.  They have these nifty applications on the cellular devices that can allow you to “date.”

If you’ve been here before, you know from this post (and many others) that I’m not brand new to Tinder.  What you may also know is that a few weeks ago I traveled to Purdue University for homecoming week.

And this blog is where those two facts converge.

Into perfection.

Let’s set the scene: The boys are I are in the living room, watching TV or something, when we decide to jump on my phone and start “Playing Tinder” as a group.  To “Play Tinder” you simply shuffle the phone from person to person and swipe right to anyone you think would be funny to message.  Then – if you are a match – you send inappropriate messages.

This began innocently enough on Friday at 7pm.  The date and time is important, I promise.  We asked guys who had girls in their pictures if their girls were “dtf” and “into threesomes.”

This began to escalate when we began drinking fireball (surprise) to inviting all 30some matches to meet us out at a bar.  The plan being to have them come find me, offer me a drink and then I’d shrug and look around at my table of 4 boys and say “well, we’re all here kind of as a group, why don’t you get a pitcher or a bucket?” so we’d all benefit.

I always look out for my friends.  Always.

Saturday morning I woke up with 55ish matches.  I didn’t message anyone.  I went on with my day.  Sometime after the homecoming game I realized I had acquired more matches and was now at 69.  This was (1) funny, and (2) the basis behind deciding I needed to get to 100 matches.  I began swiping right to everyone in an attempt to get 31 more matches by the end of the weekend.

Saturday night our little group had gone to dinner and some bars (I think 2?  Maybe only one… I don’t recall…) and I kept getting notifications: “Congratulations!  You have a new match.”

85… 86… 87… 88…

IMG_0376

Then it happened.  Saturday night at about midnight/midnight thirty.  Match #100.  The fact that Mr. 100 happens to be a moderately “public” figure only made it even better and totally worth another Fireball shot.  I had achieved my goal and succeeded in record time.  29 hours: 100 matches.  I officially stopped playing with Tinder and swiped right no more.  At all.

IMG_0377

Before bed on Saturday night…

I woke up Sunday morning with a string of notifications from Tinder.

IMG_0378

Sunday Morning

By the time I flew out of Indianapolis airport at 8pm (49 hours after beginning my Tinder Play) I had a lot more matches than I had bargained for when I made an attempt at topping 100 for the weekend.

IMG_0381

Sunday afternoon…

Once I returned home, I screen shot some of the most fun Tinder messages I had received/written and then I deleted Tinder entirely.  It’s much too hard to manually un-match that many people.

Plus, I think it’s like playing a favorite song 472 times in a row.  Eventually, you can’t even stomach the first few notes anymore.

Maybe one day I’ll return to Tinder, but knowing I’ll never be able to top my record number of matches in 48 hours kind of makes it seem like a waste.


And now for some pictures and fun conversations.  Please enjoy.  And for those of you that don’t know, what I (or, in some cases, the boys) wrote is in blue.  The matches responses are in white.

tinder pix 1

Oh Javi, and that’s not changing today – I also totally appreciate Jack and Jacob’s candor

tinder 3

No, I did not catch a child – and hashtag, Nick gets me

tinder 2

Literally some of the best lines ever relayed

tinder 5

INDIAN JESUS, YOU GUYS!!!!

tinder 7

Yes, keep sending messages even when I don’t reply… do that!

tinder 6

FYI girls LOVE it when you point out all the reasons they shouldn’t be single

tinder 4

hashtag buttstuff2014

Then there are the poor fuckers who I engaged in actual conversations with:

tinder adam

(1) I really WAS just at Lenehans. (2) But no, I’m not coming back… no matter what lie I tell you.

tinder tyler

Oh, honey… baby… sweetheart…

Also, adorable college kids, don’t give strangers your address or phone number.  I could be a murderer.  I mean, I’m not… but I could have been.

What have been your experiences with online dating, and specifically, Tinder?  What did you learn?  Before you ask, no I didn’t meet any of these people in person.  But I scored some sweet pick up lines…

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7 comments on “How to Break Tinder (and hearts) in 48 Hours

  1. Paul
    October 17, 2014

    haha this was hilarious!

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      January 7, 2015

      Glad you think so! I enjoyed it immensely. AND I have a second post about this same topic… I’ll link it when I write it.

      Like

  2. Jackie Anderson (@jaxnkitty)
    October 17, 2014

    That is awesome!! We need to BLOG together some night… maybe an online dating challenge of some sort…

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      January 7, 2015

      Let’s definitely do a challenge. This sounds worth dating for.

      Like

  3. maurnas
    October 24, 2014

    You’d be a fineapple indeed. See? This is why I don’t do online dating. Those guys just piss me off. I don’t have enough patience for stupidity and being sexually harassed.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      January 7, 2015

      How’s the avoiding sexual harassment with online dating going?

      Like

  4. Greg
    February 24, 2015

    This thoroughly entertained me. I’m anxiously awaiting part 2.

    Like

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