Based on the feedback I received from my last post, everyone loved it and loves me, but was surprised by the tone and lack of jokes and funniness. I am both very sorry to have disappointed you and also really thankful for the support.
That said, let’s get back to funny, shall we?
Debbie, do you have any more dating stories?
Do I? But of course. A few years back I went on a date with a guy that we’ll call Steve. We’re going to call him that because (1) it sounds right and (2) I legitimately cannot remember his name and it may have actually have been Steve. Sounds right.
I was working part time at a front desk at a fitness center. If you’ve ever been around me on a good day, you know that I can turn on the charm. I’ll welcome everyone with a smile and a high five (if they’re a regular.) I never shy away from a conversation with a random stranger. In fact, it’s one of my many faults. I do not know how to NOT engage with people.
Awkward Steve was one of these people with whom I had engaged fairly regularly. It wasn’t long before he was staying up at the front desk chatting away with me after his work outs. He seemed polite enough. He showed interest in my interests.
Things naturally progressed and he asked me out.
It’s worth noting that on the day he asked me on a date, he was at the gym and spent time talking to me afterward and then left. A few minutes later he called the gym (and I answered the phone) to ask me out. Because… Awkward Steve.
I said yes to dinner and a movie.
At dinner it became crystal clear that (1) we have NOTHING in common and (2) that he’s awkward as fuck.
Awkward Steve: So what do you do in your spare time?
Me: Mostly work, hang out with my dog, go out with my roommate, and play kickball.
Steve: That’s cool.
Me: What about you?
Steve: Well, I fish. Do you like fishing?
Me: Not really, no. Alive fish creep me out.
Steve: I also camp. Do you like camping?
Me: Um…not really. I like hotels and running water.
Steve: Oh, I also coach a 12U softball team.
Me: [Finally! Something to talk about!] That’s awesome! What got you into that?
Steve: My daughter plays on it.
This was the first time I had heard of a child. I tried very hard to not look shocked, but I don’t think I did a good job. He pulled out his phone to show me pictures of his daughter and said “I guess I should have brought up that I have kids-” plural “-before. And that I’m 42.”
Fun fact for those of you who don’t know me, I like older guys. I’m just not really into kids. Anyway…
After dinner we walked over to the movie theater and he buys our tickets to see Moneyball. We don’t say anything throughout the previews. We just sat there. In seats right next to each other. Looking straight forward. His hand awkwardly twiddling on his knee making me think he’s trying to hold my hand [just no, dude.] Crickets, you guys. Crickets. Until about 30 minutes into the movie.
Steve: Brad Pitt’s a good looking guy.
Me: He’s not really my type, but I can see it.
Steve: [awkward quiet laugh] Well he isn’t exactly my type either. I’m not gay. I mean, I asked you on a date. Didn’t I?
Steve: But like, he’s a good looking guy.
Me: Uh huh
Steve: And he’s in his 40s. See I’m not old. I’m not too old. I’m Brad Pitt old.
Me: I don’t think you’re old.
This conversation repeated about 7 times throughout the movie in some form. Because, you know, when you’re concerned that our age difference is an issue, you should definitely continue to bring it up. A lot.
After the movie [and no, he did not try to hold my hand] he drove me home and I slid out of the car before he could lean over for a kiss or offer to walk me to my door. I said “Thanks for everything!” and bolted inside.
The next morning I received a string of text messages from him. These texts informed me again of his age and how sorry he was for the things he didn’t do. Like walk me to my door. Hold my hand. Kiss me good night.
The following day at work he came up to me and chatted away with me about all the things he wished he had done including be more of a gentleman and said these are things he’d do on our second date.
Yeah, that’s not happening, bro.
I was honest with him. I told him I didn’t think there was anything there to build on. That he is a great guy, but there’s too much we don’t meet eye to eye on. He assumed that meant that I had an issue with his 12 year old and 16 year old daughter. He wasn’t so much wrong, but like I said, crickets…awkward… just no.
He continued to send me texts for weeks. I continued to reply with “yes” “no” “thanks” and “okay” until he sent me a final text:
Steve: You’re a great girl. I’m sorry, but I have to stop talking to you and seeing you. I met someone my own age. I think I should be dating her and not you. Please don’t be mad at me.
So, basically, I was broken up with by a guy I wasn’t even dating. Yep. I’m THAT good at dating…