Remember when I was doing all this super fun dating? I met wonderful people like Smush-Room Guy and Houdini. You’d imagine that after being radio silenced for a month and being accosted by a much-too-forward guy, I’d have hit my quota of awkward guys.
You’d be wrong. You’d be very wrong.
I met The Tampon on a Wednesday evening at a wine bar. I couldn’t imagine anything going wrong (unless of course he was a psycho-murdery-killer guy.) Most of my favorite things were going to happen: Wine? Check. Cheese appetizers plates? check. A cute guy? Check. What. could. go. wrong??
Well that night, nothing.
Date 1: We had a lovely evening. Chatted away about the appropriate topics: job, hometown, family, likes, dislikes, dogs, goals. We also talked about things that I could have done without: wars and ex-wives, but I had enough wine in my system to not care. Note: I had arrived about 15 minutes later than he did, so he ordered me a glass of cab which was waiting on the table when I got there. Swoon.
After a couple hours, he said he had to go.
Early morning, you know…
He made a point of ensuring that calling it a night had nothing to do with me. He had a lovely time and was looking forward to seeing me again, but he had to be up at the crack of dawn and needed sleep.
Date 2: The Tampon asked me out the next day. Asked me if I’d like to come over and then go to dinner with him. I agreed because (a) he seemed very eager to see me…what girl doesn’t like that?? and (b) I didn’t yet refer to him as The Tampon. Also, (c) free dinner. When I got to his place, I ended up sitting around (on the floor. His furniture was barely existent…kind of a red flag.) while he completed some work things he was doing. An hour or two later – why the hell did I wait this out so long??? – we finally went to dinner. At Chipotle.
Don’t get me wrong. I love chipotle. I really do. I do not think it’s 2nd date material though… but I let it slide.
We went back to his place, sat around and talked a little and cuddled (shudder – I don’t like to be touched by people I barely know.) FINALLY, we made out – which was hands down the best part of our date – and then I went home.
Date 3: That following weekend we made plans to hang out during the day. On my way to his place to start our “date” he asked me if I had a paint roller and if I liked painting. RED – FUCKING – FLAG! When I got there, I had the esteemed pleasure of helping him paint a wall in his place. When we were done, and he had sufficiently made fun of my painting skills, he told me he had to go help a friend move. So I left.
After leaving I went to Garlic Fest with some friends, which should be a blog post in itself about how I randomly disappear and join new groups of friends. I had a great time. In hindsight, I’m glad date 3 was such a bomb.
Not one to cut ties with someone who is a good kisser, I suggested a 4th date.
The date I had in mind happened to fall on Valentine’s Day, but you should know that since I don’t care about holidays, this meant nothing to me. There was a beer and cheese pairing thing I wanted to attend with my bff (and her husband) and I asked if The Tampon would like to join me.
The day before Valentine’s Day he texted me that he had a school/work thing at 9 on Valentine’s Day so he couldn’t join me. (lies, by the way)
No problem, bro. I already replaced you.
I already had made plans to take some other dude (who, by the way, may become an entire blog post or two of his own… Seriously, do not date me if you’re going to do something blogworthily stupid. I’m like, the Taylor Swift of blogging,) so no big deal there. I had decided that our courtship was clearly over. There were a series of textversations where he mentioned his concern over not being in a place for a relationship and a lot of other babbling that doesn’t matter. So I was good and done.
That is until he texted me the day after Valentine’s Day and, with one stupid request, made February 15th my own personal holiday.
I promptly informed him that No. No I do not want to do that. When he asked why not, I said I just don’t want to, but I SHOULD have said this: Well, Tampon, for one thing, I was supposed to meet some friends. But more honestly, in order to get any of that shit from me you need to ask me out, put in a tiny bit of effort, WANT to spend time with me and show me what it’s like to date a human being that is not a blood absorbing feminine hygiene product.
Aside from “I want you to taste me” (vomit in my mouth, ugh…) this may be the most hilarious and uncomfortable thing I’ve had said to me.
Hence forth, please celebrate Tampon Day on February 15th every year. Celebration ideas are welcome!
What about you? What’s the most pathetic/inappropriate/gross/hilarious thing you’ve been asked or told by a date?