…More Than Sweet Potatoes

I’ll Never Be a Squatter

First, I’d like to apologize to all the guys who read my blog posts.  This is going to be disconcerting, elusive and hilariously confusing to you.  Please enjoy.

I.  Cannot.  Squat.

I mean, I can do squats.  I can go to the gym and do squats (with or without weights.)  I can do a lot of them.  I can wall-sit with the best of them.  I’ve been known to have a few “Wall-Sit-Offs” in my time.

Like, seriously, I'll OWN you at this.

Like, seriously, I’ll OWN you at this.

What I cannot do is squat to pee.  Or, more correctly, hover.  I can’t hover.

Here are the reasons why girls hover/squat in public:

  1. The toilet is foreign and possibly gross
  2. They are outdoors (i.e. camping)

Let’s address both reasons and how I get around it.

  1. I use LONG pieces of toilet paper to line the toilet seat and then I do my best to hover and end up holding on to a handicap railing or – the thing that almost always happens – I end up brushing against the now toilet-paper-lined (thank the lord) seat.
  2. I do not pee out doors.

You’d pee outdoors if you had to”  No.  I wouldn’t.  I’ve been camping.  I also, by the way, cannot pee within a body of water.  So if you feel a warm spot in a pool as you pass me, it’s not because I peed.  I promise.  I’ve gone on canoe trips and boating outings where my bladder may or may not explode.  I think in my entire life I’ve peed in open water 5 times.

I’ve had many people try to explain to me the proper way to hover or squat in order to be able to pee outdoors.  I’ve tried it, you guys.  I can’t do it.  I don’t know why, but this is a phenomenon that has always eluded me.  You guys have it so easy with your aim-able urine stream and your penises.  I need a She-Wee or the P EZ.

But WHY!?  Why can’t I squat or hover??

It’s possible that it’s all psychological.  I acknowledge I’m crazy.  Maybe my brain has some sick hang up that won’t allow me to be a person who “roughs” it.  Maybe my brain would rather my body become toxic than express it’s fluids without finding a well-known commode.

It’s also possible (though I could VERY easily confirm or deny this) that it has something to do with the length of my legs and therefore my center of gravity.  For those of you who haven’t heard me talk about it (which means you’ve never met me because I am very vocal about this) I have CRAZY long legs.  Not like, compared to a giant, but compared to the average person my height.

This is me and my dad (who is 7 inches taller than me) wearing his jeans and shoes to show my weirdly long legs.

This is me and my dad (who is 7 inches taller than me) wearing his jeans and shoes to show my weirdly long legs.

I’m 5’5″ (that’s 65″ or 165.1cm for you non-Americans).  My inseam is 31.5 inches.  My hips lie a whopping 4 inches above that…so that means my legs make up 35.5 inches of my height.  That’s more than half.  Taking into account my head is about 11 inches tall and my neck is 3.5 inches, that makes my torso a measly 15 inches. **Note, this is all estimated with a flat ruler except for my inseam, which has been measured before.**

I use this explanation for many things – probably too often, actually.  For example, the sit-and-reach bullshit they tested us on in gym class in school?  My long legs give me an unfair disadvantage.  The fact that I often walk faster than others – blame the legs.

This is a to-scale drawing of my height distribution.  I'm 55% legs.  Fun, right?  (Yeah, I know I was a bit forgiving on the weight thing... I'm not this thin.)

This is a to-scale drawing of my height distribution. I’m 55% legs. Fun, right? (Yeah, I know I was a bit forgiving on the weight thing… I’m not this thin.)

Yes, I am aware that blaming my long legs for things is a lot like looking a gift horse in the mouth.  I’m happy with the legs I have.  They’re the only reason I’m ONLY 3 inches shorter than anyone else in my family; they make for some sexy dressing options.

Either way, I can’t squat or hover or whatever.

DAMN YOU NORMAL LEGGED PEOPLE AND YOUR FRIVOLOUS  URINATION!!!!

DAMN YOU!!!!!

 

End.

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9 comments on “I’ll Never Be a Squatter

  1. Aussa Lorens
    April 10, 2014

    Oh I HATED that “sit and reach” thing in school!

    Like

  2. maurnas
    April 11, 2014

    I can pee anywhere. And I have. More on that later. I don’t do that hover thing. Unless you have an open wound on your ass and you sit in warm liquid, and that warm liquid has some bacteria or virus in it, you are fine. Really. Toilet paper wont protect you either. It is a waste of paper. I am obsessed with diseases. In case you couldn’t tell.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      April 21, 2014

      I’m jealous of your skillz. With a z.

      Like

    • jaklumen
      May 29, 2014

      Here by way of Beth– I seem to remember Cimmy’s strategy was to sit (if needing to urinate outdoors), and she taught my daughter to do it, too. It’s not perfect privacy, but if the ground is decent– like a good patch of grass, apparently, it works. Crude, unrefined, but works in emergencies.

      Like

  3. bethteliho
    May 29, 2014

    OMG this was so funny! I don’t remember the sit and reach thing from school? Did we not have this at my school? Perhaps. I remember I ROCKED the flex arm hang, but that is the only place I have strength. Abs? Zero. Legs? zilch. Arms? BRING IT. My lesbian sis-n-law has been trying to get me on her softball team for years because I can throw the shit out of a ball. hahahaha!

    How did we get on my arm strength? Oh my mind….it goes astray sometimes.

    I cannot believe your legs are so long! I’m a fast walker too. I might be able to keep up with you. I’m HORRIBLE at the hover, too, but I do it. I hover like a BOSS. But, I’m really, really bad at outdoor squat peeing. I suck at squatting. I am pretty confident in my water peeing tho. I pee in the lake all the time. If you ever go to Lake Texoma, I apologize in advance for the high ration of urine.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      May 29, 2014

      Skill set: walking fast and toppling over when trying to squat. I should put that on my resume…

      Where is Lake Texoma?!

      Like

      • bethteliho
        May 29, 2014

        Far North Texas. Some of it extends into Oklahoma too. (I’m looking over your posts and want to read all of them! You’re funny, me likey)

        Like

      • Deborah Ilene
        May 29, 2014

        Thanks – I can’t wait to backread your blog as well!

        Like

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This entry was posted on April 10, 2014 by in learning about me.
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