…More Than Sweet Potatoes

Running is the G. D. Devil

My BFF – P Diddy – recently turned me onto a Buzzfeed post about the 75 thoughts every runner has during a run.  It can be found here.  This made me think you know what my readership probably would love enjoy deal with?  Hearing about how a typical run goes for me.  Yeah!  That’s a good idea.  I’ll do that.  So I’m doing that.

Warning: my exact thoughts will be detailed below.  If you’ve read my blog before you know that my thoughts verge on insane…  Just wanted to remind you of this first.  Okay.  Let’s do it!

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Some background info:

I very recently began running.  October 1, 2013 to be exact.  I started using the Couch 2 5k app on my cellular device.  When I started, I was unable to run a full minute (this is NOT an exaggeration.)  I can now run at least 3.75 miles.  I maybe could run more, but that’s the most I’ve ever done to this point.  I run (or try to run) 3 days a week.  My goal is to run 25 miles a month.  I almost ALWAYS run in the morning.  Let’s assume this is a typical Monday morning run.  Assumptions are fun.

5:54am – FUCK YOU ALARM!!! SNOOZE BITCH!

6:03am – FUCK YOU ALARM!!! SNOOZE…oh hey puppy licking my face…yeah, let’s get up and have a productive fucking day!

Then I do the following things: pee, change, feed dog, take medicines, eat an egg, drink a glass of water, walk dog, prepare for run.  I didn’t want to timeline that shit, but at this point it’s probably 6:40ish.

6:40am – What Pandora station should I listen to today?  Notorious B.I.G?  Aerosmith? Van Morrison?  Jamiroquai? Girl Talk?  Oh!  I know!  Spice Girls radio!  SGR will get me through this run.  2.5 miles…let’s do this!

I then set my runkeeper to track my run and I head out.  I then have any or all of these thoughts during my run.

Why isn’t the hot ex-marine EVER outside when I run by his apartment.  Maybe it’s okay that he’s not when I’m done, but at the beginning?  I look hot.  I look athletic.  I look like I’d make a good running buddy.  I mean, I’d be a shitty running buddy, but he’d think I’d be good.

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Already tired and it hasn’t even been half a mile yet.  This is going to be shitastic.

I should have gone with Aerosmith radio.  This Christina Aguilera song is not cutting it.

It’s so fucking dark out.  When does it start getting light earlier?  It’s already been daylight saving time for a month or something…

You know what’s really annoying?  Running.

Just when I thought I had hit my stride this got really hard again.

Oh hey!  I see you every day that I run.  Morning!  (I usually say “Morning!” audibly.)

I wish my complex would fix these damn sprinklers.  The sidewalks do NOT need to be watered.  They also certainly do not need to be similar to a lake…so yeah, I’ll run in the street.  In the dark.  Fucking safe.  Thanks Obama.

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL

THIS IS NOT HELPFUL

Oh HEY!  There’s that second wind.  I’m almost done with this loop.  That means I’m probably around 1.75 miles.

That sunrise is actually really pretty and kind of makes this run worth getting up early to run in the dark.

Actually, no.  It doesn’t make it worth it at all.

This is a good running song.

I feel like I could probably push for a 3 mile run… I wonder if I have enough-

-ow!  FUCK!  Why does my arm hurt?  Is this because I’m not getting enough oxygen?

There, stupid body, I am inhaling more deeply.  Are you happier n-

-OW! MY ARM.  OMG, AM I HAVING A HEART ATTACK!?  IS IT YOUR LEFT OR RIGHT ARM THAT HURTS WHEN YOU HAVE A HEART ATTACK?

It’s your left.  Isn’t it?  Seriously.  This is how I die?

There are way cooler ways to die.  I wanted to die a hero.  If I’m going to die from running, it better be running out of a burning building after saving puppies.

No, I don’t want to do that either.  I want to die when I’m really old and in my sleep.

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But here I am…dying of a heart attack.  While running.  Is that ironic?  I’m not very good at irony.

I wonder if I fall and have this heart attack if I’ll have enough time and wherewithal to get my phone out of my running belt and dial 911.  Or if someone will just drive by and see my lifeless body and ignore me.

So this is how I die, huh?

Shit, I’m like half a mile away from being done.  That’s like nothing.

Oh HEY THERE CAR.  DON’T MIND ME RUNNING AS CLOSE TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AS I CAN, PENIS FACE!

Whew…this is actually feeling good.  Okay.  I’m a runner.  I’m not dying of a heart attack.  I can do this.

At this point I get home, go up my steps and lay down on my bed with my fan on HIGH above me.  I take off my sneakers and compression socks and try to relax while I hear my blood rush through my arteries.  I leave a Debbie-sized sweat stain on my bed and turn on the shower, log the run and mentally high five myself.

Sometimes I ACTUALLY high five myself, too.

self five

Until the next time, morning run…

 

END.

 

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6 comments on “Running is the G. D. Devil

  1. supermodelambitions
    April 7, 2014

    Where are you logging your runs?

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      April 8, 2014

      I use Run Keeper. I have been since December. I’m sure there are other apps out there that may be better, but now I’m locked in. LOL

      Like

  2. r/b
    April 7, 2014

    What? You beat yourself up realizing you hadn’t yet hit a half mile marker during the run?…I couldn’t run a half a mile unless a damn shark was chasing me. A huge hungry Land Shark….Even then, probably wouldn’t happen….Look, if you see me running, you KNOW there is some serious $hit going down, and that is your cue to RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT….because that is the only reason running will happen….and if I out run YOU, that’s means you will be the one eaten or stabs by a serial killer….a running serial killer.
    How about you give yourself a high five for even bothering to try…You got farther than I ever would have, even in my teens.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      April 8, 2014

      That’s brilliant. A huge hungry land shark. That sounds scary as shit.

      I used to say that there were three reasons I’d run: (1) To avoid certain death, and in that case I only need to be faster than the slowest person; (2) If at the end of running I win a million dollars and I can be dead last and still get the money; and (3) 60 ft at a time in kickball.

      Like

  3. maurnas
    April 8, 2014

    I used to run so much before my heart surgeries. But for me it was like meditating. My mind would just go completely quiet and peaceful. I am way too out of shape to do it these days. But I keep thinking about getting back into it.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      April 9, 2014

      I’ll never like it. I’ll always loathe it, but I can’t argue how healthy I’ve felt since beginning to run. So oh well!

      Like

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This entry was posted on April 7, 2014 by in Uncategorized.
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