…More Than Sweet Potatoes

Dating: This Is Not The Smush Room!

A little while back I had agreed to go to dinner with a guy I had never met before: Ben.  Already your brain should be screaming at me you didn’t know him?  Why would  you commit to an entire meal with him?? or maybe you could have been kidnapped, raped and murdered!!!  And you’re not exactly wrong.  I mean, that didn’t happen, but what did happen was awkward and should be a page in a book for guys called “what not to do on a first date.”

Of course there's a shot I could end up a story line on this show... but Det. Elliott Stabler is so worth it...

Of course there’s a shot I could end up a story line on this show… but Det. Elliott Stabler is so worth it…

Ben and I had been matched up online (ugh, online dating just doesn’t seem to do wonders for me, does it…) and we’d “chatted” via text for over a month before I let my guard down and decided I would be willing to meet him.  We made plans to meet at a local seafood restaurant that was supposed to be very good.

I spent the whole day prepping myself mentally and physically.  I made sure I left a little later than planned so I could make sure he was already there when I got there.  I was ready.

What I was not ready for was that he wasn’t who he had portrayed himself to be.  I know that happens with online dating, but I figured that having talked for over a month, he would have had a hard time keeping up appearances and would have actually been himself.  He looked different.  He sounded different.  He was just different.  I was determined, however, to see this through and hope that the last month of chatting wasn’t for naught.


I relinquished control [impressive, I know] and allowed him to order a smattering of different foods for us to share which was only so-so.  I also sat uncomfortably responding to comments that included the phrase “munch your box” and “get in those pants” un-ironically.

You would imagine that when my responses to every sexually laced phrase was “ummmm wow…..” with wide and moderately uncomfortable eyes that he would take a hint and knock it off… he did not.

It seemed to me that he counted the month+ of texting as part of our getting to know you portion.  Which is fine enough.  What is not fine is thinking that means you’re past the portion of dating when you try to be appropriate and “woo” another person with your wiles (be they masculine or feminine.)

When we finished our meal, the waitress came over to see if we wanted anything else and he suggested getting me a shot of tequila.

Ben: Can we get her [me] a shot of tequila?

Me: No thank you.  I’m okay.

Waitress: Are you sure?  I can absolutely get you guys a shot.

Ben: Yes, please.

Waitress: Okay, two tequila shots coming up

Ben: Oh, I don’t want one. [oh yeah, by the way, he doesn’t drink…]

Waitress: One tequila shot?

Me: No tequila shots.  I’m fine thank you.

Ben: You can bring two to her [me].

Me: [to the waitress] Seriously.  No.  Thank you.

"Want a shot?  Want eight of them?"

“Want a shot? Want eight of them?”

I suppose he was trying to get me drunk for what came next.  Or for what he had hoped was coming next.

He offered to walk me to my car which I turned down, but he insisted.  At my car he close-talked me for a while.  Close-talking is what I call it when your lips are about an inch from mine and instead of kissing you talk to me in a supposed move of teasing which only works if both parties are highly interested in the kiss, which I was not.  I made an awkward attempt at leaving by offering a hug and using my awkward robot arms to suggest he walk toward his car while I get in mine.

My robot arms failed me completely because next he pushed me up against my car, tilted my face up toward his, grabbed my ass and smushed my pelvis into his genital region, held it for a few seconds and let me go.

"Mind if I knock up against you with my denim cock?"

“Mind if I knock up against you with my denim cock?”

I “jokingly” pushed him off of me, dropped another one of my now famous “wow” responses and got into my car.

He texted me my entire 10 minute drive home about how nice of a time he had.  He did not – thankfully – suggested a second date.

About a week later he texted me to see how I was and I short-responded to every thing.  How are you? “Fine.” Sorry I’ve been really busy all week.  “No Problem.” Are you free any time this week? “Nope.  Sorry.”

I’ll go out on a limb and say that this isn’t the kind of date I was hoping to have as my first one back into the dating pool, but it did open my eyes and lead me to go on a coffee date after talking to the next guy for only 24 hours.  So I suppose there’s that…

And I did learn something.  My deal-breakers changed.  Now being in a relationship, negatively referring to exes, poor relationship with family members and being stringently closed off to new ideas are no longer all alone on the deal-breaker list.  They are now joined by making inappropriate sexual comments, attempting to get me drunk on a first date (while being stone cold sober,) and forcefully putting your boy parts on me.


7 comments on “Dating: This Is Not The Smush Room!

  1. Sharon
    March 17, 2014

    Keep trying I found Keith on line!


  2. Quirky Chrissy
    March 17, 2014

    Omg. That sounds strangely like a combination of 3 bad dayes with different people. My online dating rules were typically, meet within 48 hours and always am hour or less expected time frame.


  3. Pingback: Dating: The Tampon | ...More Than Sweet Potatoes

  4. Anastasia
    February 2, 2015

    I pictured the guy under “REAL YOU” this whole story. I feel so bad for you!
    Also your first couple of sentences are EXACTLY what my mom would say to me 🙂 Although she has driven that paranoia into the people I meet and date in real life!


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This entry was posted on March 17, 2014 by in date, date night, dating, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , .
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