…More Than Sweet Potatoes

Law And Order Taught Me How To Get Away With Murder… Kind of.

Have you ever watched an episode of Law and Order (whatever version you prefer knowing that SVU is hands down the best one) and thought to yourself you moron!  All you had to do was ____ and you would have gotten away with it!!!  If you just said “yes I have,” you’re not alone.  If not, stop lying to yourself.  You know you’ve thought it.

Hi, I'm puddy in your hands

Hi, I’m puddy in your hands

Well, regardless, I obviously have.  And to an extent that you probably have not…

I’m not an evil genius and I do not plot how I would harm someone when they do me wrong.  I really don’t.  But here’s the thing.  I could probably get away with murder.

Again.  Please be assured I would never murder anyone.  I’m really bad with the Capri Sun (joke courtesy of Daniel Tosh.)

capri sun

So here it is.  Here’s how I would get away with murder.  Or rather the precautions I’d take that NO ONE on Law and Order ever seems to take.

  • Be positive!  Not one murderer on the show is a happy-go-lucky-problems-are-problems-but-I-think-of-them-positively kind of person.  There’s always one issue between the murder and someone that leads people to be suspicious
  • Don’t interact with your target before you murder them.  Every murderer on L&O seems to recently have had an altercation with the deceased.  Idiots.

big mistake

  • Shave everything.  Seriously.  You should be bald of all body and head hair.  Hairs, finger prints, bodily fluids and epithelial cells are what get people caught.
  • Wear a full latex suit.  It should cover your shoes as well.  Reasoning: see above.  After: burn it!
  • DO NOT take souvenirs.  If you have nothing in your possession from the scene, it’s harder to link you to the crime.
  • Wear shoes 3-4 sizes too big.  Often times a footprint in blood spatter can connect you to the crime.  Eliminate that possibility.  Burn those when you’re done also.
  • The weapon used should be one of convenience that you find at the scene.  You should leave it there when you’re done.  Also, use your non-dominant hand for the act.
  • Never.  EVER.  Tell anyone anything about it at all.  And your best alibi is that you were home sleeping.  No one needs to corroborate it.  The fewer people involved (i.e. you and the deceased) the better.

Yes, I am aware that I am a sick sick sick person.  If you’re just learning that you may want to go back to the beginning of this blog (2009) and get learned.

WARNING BELOW!

WARNING BELOW!

Readers (and anyone who comes across this ever): please know that none of my suggestions are actually fail-safe.  If you’re dumb enough to get advice on how to murder someone from a humor-related blog post pointing out the flaws of murders on a fictional television show, you may want to at least go get your GED first…  Also, please know you should NEVER murder someone.

But yeah, snitches get stitches, or whatever…

End.

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5 comments on “Law And Order Taught Me How To Get Away With Murder… Kind of.

  1. Aussa Lorens
    February 18, 2014

    I think my favorite bit of advice was to use my non-dominant hand when making my attack… I’ll keep that in mind.

    Like

    • Deborah Ilene
      April 7, 2014

      It’s the best advice. They rule people out by hand usage all the time. I think. Probably.

      Like

  2. onechicklette
    February 22, 2014

    I’m amused

    Like

  3. Erin
    March 11, 2014

    Have you ever seen Murder By Numbers? Sandra Bullock and Ryan Gosling before everyone was obsessed with him. (Not to be all hipster about it, but I was obsessed with him as a pre-teen. A “tween” as they are now called.)

    Like

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This entry was posted on February 13, 2014 by in learning about me and tagged , , , , , .
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