One summer in college, I was still on campus (or came back to campus…this I do not recall with great certainty) and wanted to go out with Natalie.
|This is from 2013, but imagine it wasn’t much
different about 8 or 9 years ago
Anyway, so 19 year old me – I think – and my over 21 year old friend Natalie decide to go out to a bar that we’ll call “Cousins” for plausible deniability purposes. The thing is, there isn’t a whole lot else to do in the middle of Indiana, so we drink…
|I was using “Cousins” as a decoy bar name but it seems
this place actually exists..
Standard operating procedure when you have a fake ID (or an ID that isn’t of your actual self) is to be the first person to give your ID to the bouncer. This way if you are turned away, you do not need to corral your friends or have them waiting inside for you confused. Also, if you ARE turned away, you can huff and puff as though it is a travesty toward a different bar in a group – which is much more convincing than as an individual.
Bouncer Dude: [looking at the ID too long] hmm. How tall are you?
Me: 5’7″ [I’m actually 5’5″…my sister is 5’9″, the ID says 5’8″]
Bouncer Dude: mmm hmmm. Do you have another form of ID?
Bouncer Dude: any other photo ID?
Me: Great question. Let me see.
Bouncer Dude: Yeah. This is fake.
Me: No. It’s not. How many forms of ID do you need in order to believe it’s me?
Bouncer Dude: I believe it’s your picture, but this is a fake ID.
Me: Seriously? [because actually, it’s not. It’s a real, valid identification card. It scans. It’s real.]
Bouncer Dude: If you’d like, I can call the police and they can check if it’s real…
Me: [literally without a beat…and obviously without thinking] Yes. Please do that.
I cannot speak for Natalie, but I’m pretty certain the emotion we felt at that moment was horrified. Actually, I was feeling pretty really super fucking horrified, but I had gone too far. There was no going back now. I was going to have to play this out. And try to stop shaking. As soon as I said “please do that” a police car pulled up on the curb. It was go time. Bouncer dude walks over to the police car (whose passenger side is on the curb with the window down) and hands him my [sister’s] ID card. The police man waves me over. I stand near the passenger window and hunch over so I can see the officer who has decided to stay in the car.
Police officer: State your name
I do [well, my sister’s name]
I rattle off her current address, which is apparently not the one on the card
PO: Any reason why that’s not the address on your license?
Me: Oh! yeah. I just moved a month ago [factual] the address on the card is [redacted].
PO: Okay. Eye color?
Me: Hazel. Did I put green on there? Because…wishful thinking…
PO: Ma’am, please step back to where you were
PO: Why are you here on a college campus in the middle of the summer?
Me: [without missing a beat because apparently I am a lying ninja] That girl over there [I motion to Natalie] is my cousin. She graduated this year [the graduation part is factual] and I was unable to come down and celebrate with her. I promised I would when I had time off from work.
PO: Okay. Please stay here.
|This is my future, isn’t it?|
He walks over to Bouncer Dude. They have a discussion which lasts all of about 30 seconds but may as well have been a year. I’m certain I am going to jail…when the doorman walks over to me and hands me all of the cards and ID’s I’d given him.
Bouncer Dude: I’m really sorry. I just did NOT believe you were 31. You really REALLY don’t look 31.
Me: It’s okay! I’d much prefer you think it was fake than believe it anyway! So I guess thank you!