When was the last time you wrote a hand written letter? Not a thank you note. A real letter. With the intention of corresponding with someone. Someone you could call, text, twitter, facebook, email, etc? I did it this morning. Impressed? I’ve committed myself to writing a letter a day to one of the people with whom I’ve had the privilege of becoming close friends. I’m currently on day 2…of possibly 30. I’m aware that I am going to have a hard time keeping this up, but I’ve had bouts of time where I’ve been piss-poor at keeping this blog going, and I’ve been doing it fine now. I’m great at commitments. In case you were wondering if that is the reason why I am single. It’s clearly not. Anyhow, in order to further convince my body into a habitual state of writing, I’ve decided to write some open letters to inanimate objects on today’s “Bonus Blog.”
Dear mouse pad,
While your existence may have once been imperative to gliding our cursors toward the link on which we’d prefer to click, the invention of the optical mouse has rendered you entirely useless. I feel for you though, dude. You used to play host to a picturesque background. You used to be a medium for advertising. You used to be a place to put pictures. Now, your only purpose to me is a place to put my cell phone during work so the vibration of my texts and notifications is less prominent. But hey, thanks for that!
Dear Nivea Lip Butter,
Fuck you. Yeah, you read that right. Fuck you. I was SO excited to purchase you. I’ve been a long-time fan of lip glosses and balms in shallow tins. Even a bigger fan of those that are white or clear in tint. You had all the things I look for, want and need. So why the negativity? Well, when I use you, it’s clear you have an ingredient that ultimately makes my lips even more dry after a few hours. I find myself peeling away lip-skin at an exponential rate. To prove this, I ceased from using you for 2 weeks…and my lip skin is better condition. By a long shot. So yeah, Fuck you.
Dear Wind Shield Wipers,
You deserve appreciation. You’ve probably saved my life numerous time. If it were not for you, I probably would have driven into other cars, into trees, into other obstructions during the days it rains – and in Florida, that’s most days of the year. I do have a question for you though. Why, in the years and years you’ve been at the wiping job, have you not figured out how to wipe the ENTIRE wind shield? The 70% you cover is great, don’t get me wrong, but for 30% more, I’d be willing to spend a few extra dollars. I feel most people would. I know, I know… if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it…but I feel like you’re being kind of lazy about things here. If I did my job 70% of the time, I’d get fired… so please try to do better. Also, what’s with the streaking when you get a little dirty? Please try to step up your game.