Dear Hot Yoga,
I know we’ve only been interacting for a couple weeks, but in that short time I have grown some pretty strong feelings. Now I know you don’t know me very well, but I rarely have “feelings” so this is already a big deal. Even bigger is that I am choosing to share these feelings not only with you, but also with my blog and the 5-7 people who regularly read it. I am counting last weeks post of Date Me Blog as a fluke, but thank you to the approximately 120 people who read it. I’ve decided the best way to express my feelings towards you and my experiences with you would be to list some pros and cons.
Pro: Without even realizing it, my heart is racing and beating like I’m running, yet I am standing still. Considering my absolute distaste for running, this makes me smile and appreciate you very much. Con: You make me sweat. Not a normal amount of sweat; a Phoebe Cates stepping out of the pool soaking wet but with a sporty set of yoga pants, tank top and sports bra on type of sweat. Not to get even more graphic than I already have (you’re welcome to all the boys who just got medium turned on by the first half of that description), but I could probably have wrung out my clothes and collected an actual cup-full of sweat. Pro: My balance is improving impeccably. I guess I was never aware of how often I trip, run into things and fall, but every time this occurs now I find myself thinking “Thanks Hot Yoga, for if it were not for you, I’d be lying on the floor bleeding to death in my own kitchen thinking self, you should have gotten better at balancing.” This happens more often than I wish it would. I’m fucking clumsy… Con: I constantly worry about farting during our time together. I’m sure everyone worries about this and I’m even more sure it’s happened to at least 70% of the people in class, but I’m so paranoid that full relaxation and/or the body contortion happening at the time will lend itself perfectly to a super loud fart. If this ever happens, I will obviously just pick up my items and leave the room and never EVER come back. Please know it was nothing you did and I will see you again at a new studio (once I find one and get over my paralyzing fear of the same thing happening all over again.) Pro: I’ve found practicing with you to be completely personal. I practice at my own level depending on how my body and my mind feels that day. I have no shame in my level of practice for it’s entirely self-involved. No one else is at the same place I am at the same time so I should feel no worry or shame about my practice while we hang. This is freeing. Con: Some of the clothing people wear to practice you is exceptionally freeing and shows they too have no shame. A fit man with the body of Adam Levine should feel free to wear tight yoga speedo-type short/pants things. However, he should also make sure he’s packed in there. Also, very few people have the body of Adam Levine — even at a Yoga studio, which is how I suspect he acquired his extremely lean and strong body — and no one wants to see old saggy men in a baggy adult diaper. In addition, I know the Lululemon CEO got fired for this, or something, but CHECK AND SEE IF THE YOGA PANTS BEING WORN ARE SEE THROUGH. If they are, please wear full-butt panties. I am in no place to see a pee pee or a bajingo. I’m trying to enjoy my time with you! Pro: For an hour and a half, currently once a week, your stretches, balance, flexibility and general Zen provide almost a healing power. Why, just this last week I came to see you with an extremely sore shoulder muscle. By the time we parted ways, I was completely healed. I can’t explain what you do to me, but you do it and you do it well. I think I just paraphrased the lyrics to a Duffy song, but I think you get what I am saying. Con: An hour and a half feels like it is thirty minutes too long. I don’t think I’ve ever done a physical activity for over an hour (without a 15 minute or more break.) My mental wall for activity seems to be between the 45 minute and 1 hour mark, so I tend to wish our time together ended sooner. Additionally, I would be better able to fit you in during the week if you were 45 minutes or 60 minutes rather than 90. How nice it would be to see each other more often, right? Pro: I’ve become even more flexible than I was before. I’ve always been moderately flexible, but your pretzel-like poses and your century degree heat have given my muscles a little more elasticity. Who knew I could get my leg over my head or not only touch my toes, but stand on my hands entirely?! My future husband** will thank you immensely.
I think I am all out of Pros and Cons for now. In spite of everything I’ve said here, I will be back to see you this upcoming Sunday. I very much so enjoy starting my week in the healthy, relaxing, cardiovascular calmness of our meetings. Namaste.
**If I ever get married…I basically wrote that in case my mom reads this blog^. Hi Mommy!
^If my mom reads this blog, I highly doubt THIS blog will be the one she gets upset about…