…More Than Sweet Potatoes

Wide-Eyed and Bitchy, and Then There Were Two: Bachelor Live-Blog

Happy Week-Beginning.  First I’d like to thank the 70ish people who read this blog weekly to see what kind of crap I decide to bitch about related to the worst show in existence.
  Second, I’d like us to all welcome Joe to the party.  Leah brought him with her to make us homemade pizza.  Yeah, you read that correctly, we have a personal chef tonight.  Be jealous.  In honor of Joe being here, we allowed him to create some additional rules to tonight’s drinking game.  They are as follows:
– Drink every time they say “intimate”
– Drink the entire time there are intimate sounds of making out and whatnot
– Drink every time Wide-Eyes says “This Man” or Soul Mate

One of us is happy about this…

Today’s Pre-Episode Fan favorites: Wide-Eyes and Lindsey.  By Fan Favorites, I mean Leah, Joe and I are on board.  Gizmo and Bella are joining us again this week.

ABC broke the mold today.  Ginger has been wearing clothes the entire intro.

Thoughts on all the girls…because we need a reason to make this a two hour episode:
Ya know, Cath-Bot is starting to grow on me, but I really think she’s more of a best friend than a wife.  Leah re-pointed out how much she looks like Shannon Doherty when she doesn’t smile and her hair is down.  Wide-Eyes has totally grown on me, but we’ve all decided in this room that she’s going to be the one to write him a note and bounce in the last episode, assuming she’s in that episode.  We’ve been drinking whenever she gets choked up (choked up, not choked…I don’t know Ginger’s sexual preferences) but Joe says she isn’t crying and therefore it doesn’t fit the game rules.  Fuck it, dude.  I already drank and I can’t un-drink it.  If you’re playing along, you’re more than welcome to do the same.  Lindsey is more than just a cray cray freak in a wedding dress.  That’s what we all know and love about her.

I think it’s adorable how Ginger has never seen a season of The Bachelor before.  He had no idea how emotional he’d feel. It’s like he didn’t know what it’d be like.  If only he’d been on the previous season or something.

Lindsey’s Date. First, her outfit is ADORABLE.  On this date Ginger does something super emotional and makes her grocery shop.  Apparently PETA doesn’t believe in going overseas.  They have HOT PINK chicks.  Chicks as in baby chickens, not women.  This week, much like “Sean Tells All” day, there are people’s tweets on the screen.  I don’t give a fuck about other peoples opinions.  Though someone just said “Sun’s out, guns out.”  That’d be the 3rd time it’s been said in this house in the last hour.

@Jenna_Weber is like, way witty.

Oh good, they’re eating bugs.  That’s exactly what I want to fucking watch, and obviously super romantic and such.  She ate bugs so he is in love now…or whatever.  Question: What do you do after you eat bugs at a creepy street market in Thailand?  Go to the beach of course and swap bug filled spit.  “You’re the best friend that I’ve been looking for…” Vomit.  At the beach, where there are monkeys that eat grapes out of their hands, army brat realizes she needs to just tell Ginger she loves him… because… YOLO.  Waiting for her to say “I Love You” is like pulling teeth.  Maybe she’ll say it while they’re banging it out.  Let’s get this waterfall for the gross sounds started (one of Joe’s new rules)… Or not…thanks ABC for ruining the most fun drinking rule ever.

Wide-Eyes’ Date. Their date takes place on a private beach, but to get there they have to swim through a dark cave.  She says that she is so happy now.  Just fucking wait til you’re about to drown in a cave.  You’re gonna hate that and I can’t wait!  Here we go!  I think her boobs are fake, by the way.  Wide-Eyes claims that this is the most vulnerable she’s ever been…except she has a 15 person camera crew with them.  And they’re not going to let shit happen to them.  They make it to the other side (I see what you did there with the poetic double entendre, ABC) and the water is SO blue.  As we come back from commercial I’d like to point out how horrible Wide-Eyes’ looks with straightened hair.  She says she’s worried about the overnight portion of this.  So that makes it official, she’s horrible in bed.
Important question: do they use the same fantasy suite?  Do they wash the sheets??
Ginger just said he wants to spend the night just talking.  Which makes sense and is totally believable because in Dallas they call sex “just talking.”  Let’s see what she has to say about it.  He thought she was going to say no – as did all of America, Ginger…don’t worry – but she said she’d spend the night with him.  Now we take a sharp turn from normalcy to crazytown: she just told him what kind of ring she wants and what size she is.  Are you joking with me?!  So she’s psychotic.  No big deal (but very big deal).  Wide set eyes make people look crazy…ya know, if they already are crazy.
Half way through the episode, I think that Catherine will go home, but Wide-Eyes just got a little bit psycho-face on Ginger…so she could leave… and that’d be okay.

Cath-bot’s Date.  So they take a boat trip…but she wants him to know how serious she can be.  They don’t have nearly as much in common as the other ladies…but no worries, when all else fails, you can always poke Cath-bot in the eye to diffuse the situation.  So she just voiced the fact that she’s a flight risk.  Which is either foreshadowing for the last episode, or they put it in to confuse us into thinking she’s the one who bails next week.  Oh, good…he’s shirtless.  Thanks ABC.  I feel unsafe with them being on or in the water during this lightning storm.  Uncle Tom would be so upset.  Ginger is of the mindset that the two of them get each other.  So that’s good?  Or boring…  She’s so afraid of looking like a slut-bucket that she has been nervous about the overnight fantasy suite since day one…but darlin’ you already look like one…you’ve been fighting for the affection of one ginger-y dude.  She just said “you’re such a hunk” which, if you all recall, was the first thing she ever said to him when she walked out of the limo.  It’s also the least flattering compliment you can give.  Or at least it is one of the most juvenile.  He decided to be really nice and complimentary and tell her how she’s smoking hot and that’d nice …except that she was fishing and tricked him into complimenting.

Fishing for Compliments Much?

Girl: Everyone here is so pretty.  I wish I was that pretty.
Silence makes a guy a dick, and the only thing he can say is a compliment.  Effective fishing.

So is Lindsey is the only hoe-monster who wasn’t worried about the overnight date?  I’m guessing she made the sex with him.

He said that he knows who is going home.  That’s better than last week.  Let’s talk about this: Cath-bot is the only one who didn’t say she loved him, but her date went better than Wide-Eyes’s date…and W.E. got all psychopathic about her ring…so let’s predict:
Joe: Wide-Eyes
Leah: Wide-Eyes
Me: Catherine

Hold the phone, there’s video messages?!  I didn’t know there was such a thing.  I’m a slight disadvantage not knowing how this shit works.  We are not allowed to change our predictions.  These videos are boring and I’m getting nothing new out of them.  This was a waste of time except that it helped Leah point out for me that Wide-Eyes has a nasal-y voice.  Wait…shoot…he isn’t smiling at all at Wide-Eyes’s video…he looks pained.  He was going to send her home…he feels HORRIBLE.  I may have finally been wrong.

Wide-Eyes looks like a hooker at this rose ceremony.  Just so we’re all on the same page.  And Lindsey just dropped an F-bomb.  I like her more and more each episode.  First rose: Lindsey.  Obviously.  She’s the only one that no one ever questioned – ya know, after we got over the wedding dress thing.  Ok.  Second rose and the other girl staying for the finale: Catherine.  I can’t believe I was finally wrong.

“I’m going to END This Man

Wide-Eyes is going home.  Well, I was finally wrong.  Shit, if looks could kill he’d be a dead man.  She’s about to explode.  She’s just going to shut her mouth and walk off.  BEST EXIT EVER.  Just get in the car and go home.  I mean, she did get a little psycho on him…and obviously she’s still being psycho a little…  So if Des’s brother is still alive after she saw last weeks episode, the next proposed murder from this show will be Wide-Eyes murdering Ginger.  He looks so angry with himself, but I think he’s just pissed at her for throwing that imaginary wall right back up.  That actually may be a sign that he made the right decision there.  Good job Ginger McCrazyAboutYouFace.

Next week the women tell all.  That I’ll probably watch, but I may not blog it.  The week after a 3 hour event.  Are you serious?  3 hours.  I don’t even have 2 hours for this shit, but I’ll have to make it work…

In the meantime, please look for my next blog: Top Ten Best Things about South Florida Kickball Open 2013 (SFKO2013)


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