Holy Crap…you effers actually read what I have to write?! Well, I’ve decided to take that as a sign that you want me to write more. So here you go. I promised you a Cosmo related post… and you’re about to get it. In May’s edition there’s an article called “8 Ways to Get Over a Bad Day.” I’m actually not opposed to most of these ideas, but instead of just listing the 8 options they throw out there, I am going to write how I think you should use these 8 to get over a bad day AND ruin the rest of your life…or week. That all depends on how dramatic you feel like being. Read away, 4 readers. Share it with your friends or family.
Tactic 1: Fake It. Cosmo’s not talking about orgasms, but I am. Boys…earmuffs… (or since this is a blog, cover your eyes) Faking an orgasm means that you are at least in a situation where an orgasm is supposed to happen. Kudos to you for having sex. Sex is a great way to get over a bad day. Was your day EXTRA bad? Have hot hate sex and then fake the big finish. Seriously. Writhe around…go overboard. Make it yours. If you’re trying to ruin your life rather than your night, your moral fiber or emotional stability, make sure to poke holes in that condom.
Tactic 2: Proceed to the Nearest Exit. Cosmo says sometimes the best way to turn around a terrible day is to leave it behind. Whatever it is that makes it terrible…just walk away from it. This is probably most effective when having a panic attack or getting motion sickness on an airplane. I highly suggest proceeding to the nearest exit. Take a moment to locate the exits in the cabin area. In some cases, your nearest exit may be behind you. I suggest this mostly because I don’t give a shit about your fears of flying and I don’t want to smell your vomit. Ever. That’s gross. If you have a fear of flying or get motion sickness either (a) don’t fly or (b) do what I do – and all sub-average adults – and drug yourself before the flight. Fun fact, the flight attendants HAVE to make sure you’re off the flight when it lands…and they’ll drag you out if they have to…and they SHOULD have to.
Tactic 3: Throw a Punch. HELL YEAH! Cosmo is a magazine after my own heart this time. Apparently for this blog I am a drug addicted, alcoholic pugilist with the moral compass of a magnet. Anyways, the magazine suggests you go to a kickboxing class. I suggest you find that piece of shit ex boyfriend of yours and remind him why he broke up with the Mt. Vesuvius of emotions that is you. Practice that left hook. You’ll need it.
Tactic 4: Slick on Bright Lipstick. Vibrant red or hot pink? Eff that. BLACK. Definitely go get some black lipstick and put that on. Actually, don’t stop there. Get white face paint and a tapered make up brush. Paint the entire face white, then make stars around your eyes in black. Then make zebra style stripes from your hair line to about an inch in toward your nose. Then paint your lips black. Look at yourself. Honestly take a solid look in the mirror. You now look like a pathetic version of KISS. Hey, you tried. You even succeeded a little. Feel better yet??
Tactic 5: Have a Mini Fit. The magazine says to vent but to be careful of to whom you vent. [Grammar for the win!] They also suggest that the person stop you after 15 minutes of venting. Here’s my advice (and trust me, I’m always right… read 2 blog posts back to the 99 Sex Questions Blog) vent to your boss. And do NOT stop until you feel like you got it all of your chest. Don’t even remotely hold back. Are you venting about work? Even better! Your boss is going to love the opportunity to be privy to serious, unadulterated feedback. Feedback is the 5th step in a cyclical process of growth and understanding in a workplace. Really, you’re just doing your part. You’d be selfish not to.
Tactic 6: Veg Out. Watch a juicy television show. Read a juicy book (i.e. Fifty Shades of Gray). Or, my favorite route: get yourself a sex toy resembling a vegetable. NOW VEG OUT. You’re welcome. Nah, I’m just kidding. Kind of. If you don’t want to spend money on a Mr. Cucumber, you can also get high. Nothing gets you more mellow and “veg” than a solid hit..or three. Whichever you choose…commit.
Tactic 7: Yeah, Devour the Cupcake. I’m assuming Cosmo is not referring to my response to tactic 6 and that they actually want you to eat a cupcake. This is a terrible idea. Why? Remember yesterday (or the three days before) when you were feeling a little chubby? Well you weren’t wrong… eating that cupcake may make you feel better in the meantime, but as soon as it digests, it’s going straight to your hips. You know what that means? Tomorrow you are going to be looking at this post again, trying to figure out how to avoid the terrible day you’re having being regretful of that GD cupcake. So DO NOT DO THIS. You’re welcome.
Tactic 8: Get a Lil Bit Lazy. A little bit?! Why stop there?? The magazine says to pick one easy thing to do and do it. It’ll make you feel accomplished and then STOP. I say skip the one easy thing and just STOP. Turn off your phone, log off facebook and twitter and instagram or whatever other social media you subscribe to. Then put on PJ pants and a tank top, get in bed and STAY THERE. Seriously. Unless you have to pee, do NOT get up. You get a point for every hour you lay there. Try to beat your own score each time you need to play the “lazy game.” Bonus points if when you’re done, you turn your phone on to any voicemails or missed texts from anyone saying how worried they are about you.
There you go, follower. I have given you the better 8 Ways to Get Over a Bad Day. You COULD listen to cosmo’s tips, but what fun would that be??
And now, a fun picture to end the post that was made in Microsoft Paint about a year ago due to the suggestion of Platinum selling rapper Gun Powder Jones. Download his latest CD – Make it Rainbow – on iTunes now.